Christmas and Death

As I sit and think about the upcoming holiday season, my heart hurts for those who have lost loved ones this year. Josh's grandpa passed away this spring. He lived a long and good life, but he is still greatly missed. A cousin killed in a car accident. I still cry every time I think of his parents and siblings. He was gone way to soon. A friend lost her dad this year. And just this week, another friend grieved with her own best friend as her mom lost a short, but brutal battle to cancer.

I pray for each of you who mourn this Christmas season. Earlier this week, I started to throw myself a pity party. I asked God, why couldn't she have lived just a few more weeks? Now, when they think of Christmas, they'll think of loss. Of course, I was praying for a miraculous healing, but I was also praying that she'd just make it to Christmas. I would have been happy with either miracle.

But then God reminded me that Christ IS the reason for the season. I know at Easter we honor that He died for us, but its because of his birth we can celebrate that. Jesus gave up living with God to come to earth to save us all. He didn't have to. But He did. He loved us so much that He gave up that and then later gave up his life, on the cross, so we could live with God again.

It doesn't matter how perfectly we live. We all fall short of the glory of God. We all sin. I only know one person who can say he has kept all of God's commandments, and that is Jesus. Without Him, all of these loved ones would truly be lost, forever. But because of Him, we can all live with God.

I'll still shed a few tears this year as I think of these families. But I will also praise God that Jesus came to save us all.

Six Years Ago and 1 Year Ago

Six years ago, I met an amazing young lady who forever changed my life. Even though it went differently than we planned, I am forever changed. Six years ago was one of the best days of my life. (Nobody Told Me)

In the past years, I've remember that moment, but just for a second. If I thought on it too long, it just led to tears. But this year, as I have followed my memories on Facebook, I have enjoyed remembering those moments. How can I look back and be so happy, knowing the way it would end?

Because about a year ago, I had my Noel moment. Christ has changed me. From the inside out. He has healed those dark corners of my heart that I thought would always be broken.  I could sing His praise forever, and it still wouldn't be enough.

The Past Year

This past week marked two big things for me.

I finished reading the bible. I had never read the entire bible before, but when Jessica gave me one, I knew I had to. It was like it started a fire in me and the only way to put it out was to read it. I decided to start with the New Testament first and then read the Old Testament.

My OCD about drove me nuts. I have to have everything so prim and proper and in its place. So I really struggled at highlighting or writing in it. But I realized how insensible I was being and now there are notes scattered throughout. I've even got a few different themes going on. "Let Go and Let God" and "Jesus In, Jesus Out" are common phrases to find through my bible.

Originally, my plan was to wait until I finished the bible before I was baptized. But once I realized I had found Christ, I couldn't wait. I'm glad I didn't wait. 

Its now one of my most loved treasures. As soon as I finished, I turned to Matthew so I could start again. I pray it always teaches me something new and will continually bring me closer to Christ.

Yesterday marked my one year anniversary since I first attended Roosevelt Christian Assembly. Its weird to think how strange it felt to me those first few weeks, because now, it feels like home. I never imagined that church would become a place I would eagerly want to be each week.

This last year has been wonderful. My heart and soul have healed in ways I never imagined. I always thought I was over my infertility. And I think, I was in a worldly type way. But giving my heart to Christ has healed me more than I ever imagined.

A year ago, I decided to look outside of the box I grew up in. I took a huge step out of my comfort zone. It was the best thing I ever did.

Start the day with Jesus

No matter how fast and busy my life gets, I have to remember to start my day with the Lord and reading the bible. Some mornings, I get lazy and tell myself what I really need is an extra hour of sleep. But then I spend the rest of the day dragging! But when I get up earlier and leave time to spend with the Lord, my day goes so much smoother.

Its a lesson I continually learn over and over. Maybe by writing it out, it will sink in deeper.

For I Know the Plans I have for You, Declares the Lord

Sometime, I am in shock and awe at the healing my Savior has brought me. Each time I think I am in a good place with my infertility, He amazes me once more.

A week ago, I went to a Woman's Retreat. Because of my experience a few weeks before that, I didn't go expecting much. My heart has been so at peace, that I just went to have a good weekend hanging with amazing people and loving on Christ.

But the first night, something amazing happened. It was toward the end. The speaker was having a prayer session with those who wanted to come to the front. Like I said, I was feeling pretty good spiritually, so I decided to just hang at the back of the room. I had been praying on and off for a friend, but suddenly God spoke to me.

The scripture Jeremiah 29: 11 popped into my head.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Its actually one of my favorite scriptures, but I had never thought of it this way. It was like God spoke the scripture to me; then He told me that everything with Celeste worked out the way it was supposed to. He always knew how it would end, but He needed me to help her.

Its like the last hole in my heart was healed. It wasn't something we did that made her change her mind. God always had it planned out that way. I even thought that again this weekend while I was sick with a cold. It was a cold that seemed to end things before. Its like God knew I needed to loose all my energy to communicate so she could be able to take notice of another couple. Because heaven knows it was that nasty cold all those years again that was the only reason I slacked up on my daily emails.

Suddenly, its all okay. Everything went exactly as God planned it all those years ago when we tried to adopt.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. 

This week has been so peaceful, compared to weeks of the past.

Last week, I was finally able to let go. It was the hardest and easiest thing I have ever done. Standing there, before God, I was so scared to let go. I don't like giving up control. But truth is, I've never been in control.

I've spent months telling myself it doesn't matter. I've spent months stalking and trying to figure out things before they even happen. I've lost sleep over something that hadn't even happened. I couldn't take it anymore.

So I gave it to God. I gave him my doubts about the situation. I gave up the pain and the fear. I trust Him. He is in control and things will work out exactly like they are supposed to. If I keep holding on, it will just make it harder. But by giving it to God, I know I can do this.

The instant I gave it to God, I felt such peace and love. God knows me better than I know myself. The last few weeks, I would start each morning telling myself that day would be different. I wouldn't dwell on it. But by noon, I would be obsessing. Each night, I felt like I had let down not only myself, but also God. But the next day would be the same.

I was praying for strength, but I was still holding onto the pain. Once I let go of the pain, I was scared it would leave a void in my heart and soul and I would just take the pain back.

So I continued to pray for God to fill that void. And He did. I have a peace inside me that I never thought I would have.

Some days, I have to turn it over to God again. But I do it before I can even let it back in. Even if I have to do it everyday, its worth it for the peace I have found.

I really need to learn to write down thoughts while they are fresh. I have a feeling that is so strong, I don't think I'll forget it. But then I get busy and it starts to fade away until I reach the point where I question if that feeling.

Truth is, I've been struggling. I know of someone that is trying to grow their family and it has wrecked havoc on my heart. I struggle daily with this battle. "God, please don't make me go through this again." But sometimes, "God, I know how hard it is to try so hard and not get pregnant. Its not a pain I'd wish on anyone." But I always end up coming back to my own pain and how I don't think I can do this again.

Last month, I did something I swore I would never do again. I took a pregnancy test. (This is what I wish I had written about sooner.) My period is now over 2 months late (so at that point, it was one month late). This is not uncommon for my body. Really, it does this about once a year. Its always been that way. But I let this one get in my head and mess with me.

I was a mess all day. Should I test? What's the point? I knew it would be negative. I knew there was no way I was pregnant. But there was the one small seed of hope that always sits deep within my heart.

Finally, I told myself I would take the test, just to prove to myself I was right. I remember driving to the store and telling myself to just turn around and go back to work. I was just wasting my money. I bought the cheapest kit they had, which happened to come with 2 test strips.

I drove back to work and hid in a bathroom stall, waiting for the results. Of course it was negative; I knew it would be. I knew it. And I felt relief. (This is the part I'm now questioning myself on after time has passed.) But I do remember that. I felt relief that it was negative.

The whole time I kept telling myself why it was dumb to think I was pregnant. We live in a small house where we really don't have room for a nursery. I just went back to school and that is going to be a several years commitment for me. Logically, a baby would just throw off my plans. I finally feel like my life is going somewhere.

So why all the turmoil? Years ago, I thought I had enough faith to make it happen. I thought if I prayed enough, it would happen. I feel so much closer to God now than I did years ago. And it makes me question my faith. If only I had believed more at that time. Maybe it would have happened differently.

But in my heart, I know, that God knew my heart back then. I'm still trying to fully accept it, with no lingering doubts, but I do believe things worked out like they were supposed to. Which really has just opened even more thoughts I need to ponder on. I've spent all these years thinking we lost "our" baby. But really, was she even really our baby to begin with? Or was God just trying to use me to help the birthmom. Was God using the situation to help me learn and grow. I don't know. I feel like if I say the baby was never ours, it makes my grief invalid. But I know my pain was real. So I guess this is something I need to spend more time praying about.

A few months ago, I had a thought that startled me. I can't even remember where I was or what prompted it, but I thought, "if I had a niece, that would be fun to do with her." I immediatly got mad at myself. I've spent years saying I don't want a niece. I only want nephews. To me, it helps me feel justified. We lost a little girl. I've always felt that if our parents never get a chance at another granddaughter, it helps justify my pain. I know its purely selfish. But each time, its a nephew instead of a niece, my heart cries out in joy and relief. With the newest nephew, it was like I couldn't even breathe the first few months. But once I learned it was a boy, I was so relieved.

I know its ridicioul to think that I'll always only have nephews. But its been my one point of peace through all of our struggles. But now that I'm trying to see our situation differently, its starting to matter less and less that I only have nephews. A few times now, I've thought about a niece.

I've gotten off track here. This isn't what I originally planneed to write about. As I said at the begining, I'm struggling with a pregnancy that may or may not happen. But I've been so caught up on it happening, that it is has turned me into a mess.

For about a month, I've been trying to come to terms with it. But I'm scared that the moment I do, the pregnancy will happen. And that scares me. I don't do well with pregnancies. 

Baptism Day

Its baptism day! All week, I've wanted to sit down and write my thoughts. But they have gone a hundred different directions.

I'm so excited. I finally feel like I'm being true to myself. The last several months, I have felt like I was coming home.

I grew up as a religious person, but I can now see, I was just following the lead of others. Always afraid to never step one toe out of line for fear I wouldn't be good enough. Doing what I was told, not because it was right, but because I was too scared to be disappointment to others. So I continued to follow the herd.

I've thought back to the darkest days of my life, after we were unchosen. The grief cycle includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The denial and bargaining, those were mostly to the birthmom. Disbelief of what happened. Sending one last email to try and change things. But I never felt any anger towards her. Instead, I was mad at God. I felt let down. I felt like He didn't really love me. In the end, I decided I didn't need Him; I would do it on my own.

After battling the depression for a few years, I decided it was time to move on with life. And I was okay, for the most part. I could accept we would never have kids, but I still held a lot of bitterness in my heart. Most of the time, I was happy. But the times when I wasn't, I became a good pretender. I didn't want the world to know I was still hurting.

But God didn't give up on me. Last year, I realized, I missed having that connection in my life. But I didn't know what to do. For several reasons, I didn't want to go back the religion I was raised in. I felt like there were too many gaps. I didn't believe in their forever families, but in temple ceremonies only. I knew God loves us too much to separate us from the ones we love. I believe that we can all be in heaven together, no matter where we are married. I also didn't want to go back and constantly be reminded I was not a mother. I didn't want to go back to following the crowd and doing things because I was made to feel guilty if I didn't. And since falling in love with the bible, I've had other questions that can't be answered. I'm not saying they are wrong, but its just not right for me.

But still, I couldn't figure out what I wanted. But God gave me good friends to listen to my concerns. God gave me a good friend who was willing to go out of her comfort zone and go with me. God helped me find an amazing congregation that showed me what it was like to truly love God.

I think back to one of my first weeks there. I think I had been going for about a month. I introduced myself to someone, because I realized we had a friend in common. She said it perfectly. "We praise Jesus."

I'm grateful I started this journal, to help me remember the moments. Such as my first Noel. The day that I was finally able to let go of the hurt and pain and turn it over to Jesus. For years, I had held onto it. But once I turned it over to Him, it was gone instantly.

I was raised as a religious person, but I now see that I was not a spiritual person. I was in church, but God wasn't in my heart.

God has softened my heart. He has taken my pain away. He has healed my soul.

This week has had its high and lows. Some of my family members have struggled with my decision. But I told Josh, even that doesn't bother me. That's how I know I  am sure about my decision. I want to do this for me. Not to make them happy. Or out of guilt. I want to do this because its what I want. I've actually wanted to be baptized for several months now, but I let the fear of what they would say hold me back. Until I realized, that the only opinions that mattered were mine and God's.

But even after that, I've still felt an outpouring of love. I didn't think anyone loved me, except my husband. When we decided to stop trying to become parents, I felt useless. I felt like I had been discarded. Like no one needed me anymore. I felt like a shadow on the wall. But I've had a lot of people ask what time is church. And a few family members plan a dinner. I didn't think I was worth that much effort.

Last night, I was really nervous. Not like I wanted to change my mind, just nervous at all the people who said they would come. Now I feel all of this pressure to be good enough. I feel like they are all watching me, to make sure its not a mistake. I feel like I have to be the best example ever, so they can see this is the real deal, and not some phase. I also feel like I need to shine, so those who are against my decision will one day come around.

But then, I hear a whisper in my soul. I only need to be good enough for God. The rest will work itself out if I just stay true to Jesus.

I'm getting baptized for a few reasons.
1) Jesus has healed me. Heart and soul, I have been made whole again.

2) Jesus has changed me. I was never a bad person, but I know I am now a better person, on a journey to be even better each day.

3) This isn't about religion, its a heart thing. God isn't going to ask us what church we attended. He's going to ask where our heart was.

4) I love Jesus. I gave my heart to Him months ago. But it wasn't enough. I have to do this to give Him my soul.

Luke 15

Today, our sermon covered the prodigal son and the father's love. (Luke 15: 11-24) I've heard the story a hundred times, but today it touched me differently.

I was thinking about T and how much I love her. How much I miss her. How worried I am about her and her son.

The story begins with the younger son. He wanted his inheritance now. The father most likely knew that he would take it and waste it, but he gave it to him anyways. He let him make his own choices.

Sometimes, its hard to understand the choices others make. We think we can see how it is a mistake, but you can't change their minds. They have to make their own decisions. And then, they have to live with the consequences of those decisions.

The son took his money, went to a different land and then squandered it. He was far from home and with no money to take care of his needs. He ended up working in a field, taking care of pigs.

He had to hit rock bottom before he could realize how far gone he was. He realized, that even as a servant to his father, he would be better off than he was at that moment. So he decided to go home.

My favorite verse is Luke 15:20. "So he got up and came to his father, But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him."

His father never stopped loving him. He never stopped watching for him. That versed touched me in so many ways.

First, I thought of when I turned my back on God. I didn't think I needed Him. These last few months, I have realized how wrong I was. My heart has completely turned around the last 6 months. Its like I can't get enough of His word or His love. I live and breathe for Sunday to come, so I can go to church and hear his word. It never fails, no matter my mood. By the 2nd song, I'm smiling and loving every second of it.

And its not just Sunday's. Each day, I yearn to feel Him in my life. Some days, I think I am in continual prayer; telling him my needs, about my fears. Praying for those I love. I've also noticed other changes, how I never listen to the radio anymore. Instead, my soul craves the quietness, so I can communicate with Him. I know longer care what others think of me; instead, I do my best to be more Christlike. I want others to see the changes He has made in me.

I still have trials. I still have bad days. But with God, I know I can face anything. He's got my back. He loves me. And I've realized just how much I need Him. How much I love Him.

Then I thought about T. I know her family is watching and hoping for her to come home again. Not a day passes that they don't pray for her. Not an hour passes that they don't think of her. Not a second passes where they stop loving her. I'm also watching for her to come home, but I know their loves is a millions times more intense because they are her family.

When the son came home, the father gave him a robe, his ring, and sandals. Part of it was to take care of his needs, but it was also to show that he was still his son. That he had never stopped loving him.

T, we will never stop loving you. We are always there for you. When you are ready, we will run out to meet you and embrace you.

Another scripture I loved today was 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
Who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

T's mom and I were talking this weekend. This experience has opened our eyes. I have been saddened to realize just how many people are or have been in an abusive relationship. Every time I turn around, someone else is telling me their story, each more heartbreaking then the next. Its reminded me that we live in a world of sin. This is one of those experiences that has changed my heart. I want to help these people. I'm still learning more, but its like a fire has been lit inside of me, to help others in this situation. I want to help them leave. To comfort them. To help them start a new life. I pray that God will open my eyes to these situations and that I will be able to find a way to help them.

I also loved this scripture, 2 Peter 3:9. "The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."

The fear of the unknown has been so hard. I wish so much that I could see the ending. I wish so much that I could see His plan. But I just have to remind myself to trust in Him. God has got this.

Please Keep Them Safe Jesus

YOU ARE GOD ALONE by Craig & Dean Phillips

You are not a God created by human hands
You are not a God dependent on any mortal man
You are not a God in need of
Anything we can give
By Your plan, that's just the way it is

[Chorus:]
You are God alone, from before time began
You were on Your throne, You are God alone.
And right now, in the good times and bad
You are on Your throne, You are God alone.

[Verse 2:]
You're the only God whose power none can contend
You're the only God whose name and
Praise will never end
You're the only God who's worthy
Of everything we can give
You are God, that's just the way it is

You are God alone, from before time began
You were on Your throne, You are God alone.
And right now, in the good times and bad
You are on Your throne, You are God alone.

Unchangeable (Unchangeable)
Unshakable (Unshakable)
Unstoppable (Unstoppable)
That's who you are (That's who you are)

You are God alone, from before time began
You were on Your throne, You are God alone.
And right now, in the good times and bad
You are on Your throne, You are God alone.

Unchangeable (Unchangeable)
Unshakable (Unshakable)
Unstoppable (Unstoppable)
That's who you are (That's who you are)

Dear God,

I am trying so hard to understand. I'm trying to bend myself to your will. I keep reminding myself that you are GOD. YOU are in control. God, please give me peace and comfort. God, please, if there is away, please let me know they are safe. 

God, I also keep reminding myself that your love is undeniable, for all of your children. So God, I also pray for him. I know that a person can't change, but God, nothing is impossible with you. God, please find a way into his heart. God, make it so that no matter which way he turns, he has to come face to face with you. God, I pray for him. God, please change his heart.

God, I also pray for her. Give her strength to do what ever needs to be done to protect her and her child. God give her wisdom. God give her mercy. God give her protection. God help her remember who she is. God, open her heart so she can feel of your love and mercy. God, please just keep her safe. 

God bless her son. Keep him safe. Please keep him safe. He's the one comfort she has through all of this. Give him good influences in his life so that he will be able to raise above this. God, help raise him close to Thee so that this cycle will not continue with him. God, please keep him safe.

God please give her family peace and comfort right now. God, I'm so heart broken; I can only imagine how much worse their pain is right now. Please help them pick up the pieces and move on. Help them to never loose hope that their daughter and grandson will be okay. God, please, if it is possible, please let them know she is safe. Please help them find a way to let her know how much they love her and that they will never stop loving her. 

God, please keep them safe. Please, please help them come again. Come home to stay. God, I wish I could see your plan, but I will just have to trust that YOU are in control.

Please keep them safe Jesus. 

Dear God,

She walked away with nothing. I know you used a miracle to help get her away. I know you will also use a miracle to provide for her. Jesus, I want her to know that she is so loved that she doesn't need to ever go back.

Jesus, I can't believe the people that have asked me how they can help. They don't even know her, but they want to help. Thank you Jesus for using them to be a part of this miracle.

Lord, clear my head and let me know how I can best help. My thoughts are going a million directions, but I do need to just concentrate on a few areas.

Lord, I also need patience granted to me. One person questioned my motives and it really upset me. I thought they would be just as happy as I am, but instead they are a doubting Thomas. Lord, don't let me get any thoughts like that. If I have to help set her up a hundred times, I will do it. I am blessed with so much. I want to use those blessings to create blessings for others. Do not allow myself to start questioning if it is worth it or not, because it is. Do not let those doubt enter my head.

Lord, please help her. Even though she is home, I think the struggle is just beginning. Please surround her with love and peace Jesus. Please. Please clear her head so she can better understand the situation. Help her let go of all the negative in her life and anything & anyone that is attached to it. Help her to heal not only from any physical wounds, but also heal her emotionally. Heal her heart Jesus. Help her be able to grieve the end of things in a healthy way.

Lord, please help her family and friends. Use us as instruments in Your hands. Help us show her how much we love her. Help us keep her safe.

Please Jesus, help this be a new beginning for her.

Answered Prayer

God is great.

A few months ago, I noticed a friend was in an abusive relationship. I worried about her so much. Then signs started to show it was getting worse. I just wanted her to come home to her family.

For weeks I prayed non stop. "God, please keep her safe. Jesus, just bring her home." Day and night, that was my prayer.

Last week, a young man in our community died in an accident. I was upset with God. Why would he take such a wonderful husband and father from this earth so soon and leave my friend in this bad situation? I had to remind myself that God works on his own timing and all would be okay in the end. "Please Jesus, please keep her and her baby safe until she can find a way to come home." I turned it over to God's hands and was prepared to wait on Him. I knew I could trust Him to do what was best for her.

On Monday, I talked to another person that used to be in an abusive marriage and asked what I could do to help this friend. She suggested contacting her and telling her about a victims advocate office in her city. And to tell her to start a restraining order. I was still trying to find the best way to express myself and I promised myself I would send that email to either her or her mother by the end of the week.

God is great. Last night, the mother posted that she was able to bring her daughter and grandson home, to stay. I didn't even get a chance to send my email because God took care of everything.

I have gone from crying tears of fear to tears of joy. Today, my nonstop prayer and been "Thank you Jesus. Thank you for bringing her home. Thank you for keeping her and her son safe."

Thank you Jesus.

Joseph

My goal this year is to read the bible. As I've read, I thought I would relate most to those who struggled to have a child of their own, like Abraham and Sarah.

But instead, the story I keep going back to is the one about Joseph. As I was reading his story, I first felt sorrow. To be betrayed by your own family must have been horrid. Some of his brothers wanted to kill him; in the end, he was sold into slavery.

But he made his best of the situation and was eventually given a higher position. But again, the devil tried to take him down. Even though Joseph choose the right path, his accuser won and he was thrown into jail.

I couldn't help but wonder if Joseph ever thought if death would have been easier. First a slave and now in prison. At the very least, he must of had to wonder if he had been forgotten and forsaken.

And yet, he still made the best of his situation. He didn't sit around and mourn that life was unfair. Instead, he always took the situation and tried to make the best of it. He didn't just pass away the time, but went above and beyond.

This once shepherd boy became one of the most powerful men in Egypt. He had a humble beginning, but not a humble attitude. But God found a way to humble him and lead him to something much bigger. He didn't choose his situation. But he didn't let that stop him from doing his best. Because of Joseph, an entire nation was saved from starvation and ruin.

To top it off, he also saved his family. The same family that had once contemplated killing him.

God took his terrible situation and turned it into something great.

It makes me wonder what God has planned for me.

Lord Jesus, help me to remember that all is on your hands. Help me to accept thy will. Help me to remember that you are on control of ALL things. Help me accept circumstances beyond my control. Help me, please Lord Jesus, to not be afraid. Help me to be strong. Lord, even if I can't understand please bless me with peace.

Peace

Dear Lord,

I love you now more than I ever have. I used to think I loved you, but I now realize, I just loved the testimony of others who loved you. I trusted them and thought it was enough.

But these last few months I have realized, what I thought I knew about you, I had no clue. I love you because I want to love you. Not because others expect me to. Not because others tell me too. I plan to continue to study your word and love you even more.

But Lord, its made me question so much. I questioned the faith I grew up with. For a while, I thought "how can so many people be wrong?" But now I see that you God are holy, and that transcends all the religions out there. Its not about worshiping in the "right" building, but just knowing that you are God.

I still worry that family will not love me when they know I no longer attend "their" church, but Lord Jesus, I know you love me and that is all that matters. I hope they will respect me like I respect them.

Lord Jesus, the hardest struggle has been wondering about my infertility. Years ago, I thought I had enough faith it would work out. I prayed and prayed. Finally, I accepted that your answer was no. And I thought that was ok.

But now, as I come to love you more and more, I feel this little speck of hope awakening. Jesus, it is tearing my heart apart. I can't do that again. I just can't. I don't have the strength anymore. I moved on. I thought I had found peace.

All I have strength for is to pray for peace. Please Jesus, just give me peace. Let me rest from this struggle. I have carried it for so long that I'm pretty sure its just a part of me. But Lord, sometimes it weighs on my heart and seems like more than I can bear.

Please Jesus, just take this burden from me. Please give me peace.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Fqap3BvxJAw

Five Years Ago

Dear Lord,
Five years ago, we lost our baby. Because we were going to adopt her, it wasn't a normal miscarriage, just an emotional one. Lord, I never thought I would recover from that loss. I'm been reading through my blog, and also my private journal. As I look back, I am amazed at how far I have come. I have come from wishing death to take me from my grief, to being completely at peace.

Lord, through you I have been made whole. I have been able to find a new purpose in life. Thank you Lord. Even when I told myself I didn't need you anymore, you didn't abandon me. Thank you Jesus, for not giving up on me. Thank you for always loving me.

Lord, I am at peace. I am. But still, this day always brings a tear to my eye. I will never forget how excited we were to be parents. Finally, all felt right with the world. We were going to have a little girl.

I still think of little Ashlynn from time to time. I will never forget the dream we had of her. I will always hold her close in my heart. Because the little girl ended up with another family, I have no grave to mark our loss. Instead, I have a piece of my heart that will forever be broken. That is how I honor her and what almost was.

Lord, it has been a rocky journey. Thank you for holding me in your arms through the toughest parts. I still don't understand how I survived it. But I did. I now realize I wasn't alone, you were there for me. Thank you Lord.

I think of the day when life felt like it wasn't worth living. As soon as I had that thought, I saw my husband outside. He really is my everything. He is my rock. Thank you for helping me fall in love with him when I was almost too stubborn to.

Lord, I am still trying to understand your plan for my life. I spent years and years trying to be a mother. Then a few years just trying to recover from our loss. Over the last few years, I've been more about living in the moment and appreciating what I have.

Lord, please take me in your hands and mold me to what you would have me be. I can accept that you have a different plan for me than I ever did. Please help me to see it one day so that I may have better understanding of what we went through.

What the Bible Means to Me

At bible study the other night, we were encouraged to write down what the bible means to us.


My first thought was, to me, its the best way to start my day. I do really well to read before work each day. But on the weekends, I get lazy and sometimes miss a day or two. But I can tell a difference in my day when I start it with the bible.

When Jessica gave me my bible, I felt my heart leap for joy. I don't know why I didn't think to get one before. It was at the moment, I promised myself, I would read the entire thing. I decided to start with the New Testament first, which I finished this morning. I'm excited to start the Old Testament tomorrow. It strikes me as strange, that even when I was a stout LDS member, I had never read the bible. I think I started the New Testament a few times, but I never made it that far into it.

This morning I realized, it has helped me quench my thirst for Christ. After years of religious inactivity, I was ready to dive back in. Each Sunday enriches my soul. During the holiday season, bible study was put on hold. That left me with just Sunday to praise Jesus. (Which really, probably helped me better establish a routine of going to church each week.) But still, each Sunday always felt forever away. But with my bible, I don't have to wait for Sunday.

I still have the thirst for Christ, but now I can feel it being satisfied each day. It has quickly become a large part of my life. I'm so grateful that it is now a large part of my life.

Lord,
I'm struggling. On one hand, know I should feel sympathy and compassion for their situation. But on the other hand, I keep thinking, "good, now they know what its like." And Lord, the second thought wins out more often than the first thought does.

I guess I still hold just a bit more anger in my heart. I should feel bad for them. I know what its like to want a baby. To try for months and months, only to never achieve that. But Lord, it kind of feels satisfying that they are now on that path. But I feel bad for feeling that way.

Lord, I need you to guide me right now. I keep wanting to just do nothing and ignore it, but the thought keeps haunting me. Should I offer some words of comfort? If so, I am having a hard time thinking any.

Lord, I keep asking myself, if I could go back and have it all go differently, what would I have wanted them to do? I can't think of specifics, but I do wish they could have been more kind and compassionate during my struggle. I hated that they ignored it.

So why would I do that to another? Lord, please take my heart and help me know what to do.

Lesson on Control

Dear Lord, I feel like you are trying to teach me yet another lesson on control. It seems to be a lesson I struggle with. For years, I tried to have control over my infertility. Now I struggle with having full control of my life. I try to plan every minute of each day so I can have time for work, school and my husband. But I have left myself no room for those things out of my control.

Last night, I lost it. I spent the day trying to be at work and the hospital at the same time. Because of that, I missed out on being there to get my anniversary flowers at work. But when I was at work, I felt guilty for not being at the hospital. Then, I thought I could still do what I wanted to do for my anniversary. Again, I planned it down to the minute so I would have time to rush to where I wanted to go. But obstacles came up and I couldn't do what I wanted. And I lost it. I just wanted to do what I wanted.

I was so mad last night. But now I think I can see it more clearly. I think I was trying to avoid my emotions. I wouldn't allow myself the time to fall apart and cry about my brother and how it affected me.  By having my plans not work out, it seemed to help open the flood gates so I could work through it.

But I also learned a valuable lesson last night. I wanted the night to be about celebrating the love I have for my husband. Instead, it turned into a night of my husband being my rock. We didn't celebrate our love with a candle light dinner. Instead, the night served as a reminder that not only are we there for the happy moments, but we are also there for the hard ones too. I needed that. Sometimes I think we take each other for advantage. The night helped to remind me that he is there for me during the dark times also. That he isn't going anywhere when things turn nasty.

I'm not saying I have mastered this lesson on control. I'm sure I'll have control issues in the future. But I will try to be more open to them. Just be patient with me Lord.

Dear Lord,
I'm fighting some conflicting problems right now and I need your help. When I first heard the news about my brother, I was mad. I kept thinking of him laying in the hospital, and all I could think was how it upset me that he was there. Lord, I know I should feel hurt and worry, but because I couldn't, it made me even more upset.

Lord, please grant me thy peace. Please still my soul. Please bless me with understanding. Please grant me compassion at this time.

I have yet to cry and it makes me feel like a bad person. Like I've let him down. I keep trying to sort it out in my head and I think I'm just afraid to feel anything right now. Last night, I felt like I had to be the strong one. Strong for my mom and dad. A beacon of strength for my sister. I didn't have time for my own feelings.

A Prayer of a Thankful Heart

My Forgiveness Prayer was helped me so much. I read it several times last week. It has sunk into my soul. Yesterday, I noticed how far I have already come. In just under a week, my heart has made a drastic change.

Thank you Lord Jesus. I can't believe that after holding this hatred and anger for years and years, it is just melting away at heartbreak speed. When I said my previous prayer, I thought it would take time. I knew you were Amazing, but I underestimated just how fast Your power can work when a soul is ready for it. I thought I would be ending the week saying, "I hope to do better next time." But instead, I ended the night thinking, "now that is how it used to be." Lord, I know I'm not completely whole yet, but I feel so much closer to Thee. Lord, when you say you can make broken things new, I never knew it could happen so fast. I was looking for this bright shining moment, but instead it was a quite whisper in my heart that said all will be ok. Thank you so much Lord for this miracle. I am in awe that in just one week, you were able to do what I haven't been able to do for years. Please continue to work on my heart, it can be stubborn sometimes. But I know that if I let you do it your way, I will be whole once more. Thank you Lord Jesus.

My prayer to forgive others

I keep having a thought that I know I need to study out further. Maybe study out isn't the right word; its more like act upon.

The last 2 weeks, during bible study, the thought has occurred to me, "Christ has forgiven me of my sins and he thinks on them no more. Why can't I do the same towards others?"

This thought cuts me deep. There are some people in my life that I hold great resentment towards. Sadly, they are family. Why are we hardest on those who are closest to us? I'm not sure, but I am. I get angry and I lash out at them. I don't mean to. But its like I've been this way for so long, I don't know how to act any other way.


Lord, I'm asking you, I'm begging you, to take this pain from my heart. I'm tired of fighting with them. I'm tired of being hurt by their actions, or the lack there of. I don't think they even know I'm hurt and upset. But I've held onto this anger for years. Its like it has darkened my soul and routed itself into my heart. I don't want to be like this anymore. Lord, please heal my heart and make me whole. Please take this anger from me and destroy it so it won't darken my heart any longer. Through you Lord, I know I can be whole again. Please help me. Help me let go. Help me move on. Help me forget the hurt and pain. Lord, I don't want to be like this anymore. I want it be like it used to be. Please heal me Lord. I've tried to do it on my own for a few years now. I now realize, I can't do this on my own. My soul is too weak to do it on my own. Lord, I know with your help, I can move beyond this. Lord, with your strength, I can forgive and forget. Lord, I want to let go of these feelings and never visit them again. I want to crush them so they never haunt me again. I want to be made whole again. With you Lord, I know it is possible. I'm opening my heart to you and your healing powers. Please fix my heart and soul Lord Jesus.

My Spiritual Blog's Purpose

As I mentioned, in my first post, I have discovered a burning desire to renew my relationship with Christ. I've been wanting to write about my thoughts and feelings. But they are very near to my heart, so my family blog didn't feel like that right place. So then I thought of writing it on my infertility blog, but that too didn't feel quite right.

I wish I had started this blog sooner, because I know I have already forgotten things I wanted to ponder futher. Luckily, I had the mindset to at least write about my Noel, until I could decide where I wanted to share it.

This summer, I expressed my desires to a friend about making peace with God. She encouraged me to follow my heart. But I was still scared and hesitant. Its hard to step out of your comfort zone, especially into the unknown. I knew I didn't want to go back to an LDS church house, but I wasn't sure where else to go.

I kept telling myself, just pick a church on the road and go. My heart kept leading me towards the Roosevelt Christian Assembly, but I couldn't make myself go alone. Each week, I would say I was going to go. But come Sunday morning, I would chicken out.

When that sweet gentleman prayed for me over the phone, I knew he went to the church house. But I was still scared.

Then my dear friend said she would go with me, and that was the same one she mentioned.

It almost feels like fate.

The first Sunday was over whelming. They are very different from what I grew up with. Not in a bad or better way; just plain different. I was the only person in a dress and the only one not drinking coffee. Don't mistake that, I had drank my coffee before going, I didn't know I could bring it with me.

Before leaving that day, I had made a new friend. So it wasn't as scary to go the next week. Or the next.

Without even noticing it, I looked forward to church every week. I would find myself, 4 more days until Sunday. 2 more days. Finally, its Sunday!

Each week seems to bring me new insight, understanding or other thoughts I promise myself I will further ponder on. Sometimes I remember; sometimes I don't. I'm hoping this blog will help me with that.

This is a journey for me to find Christ. I'm not going to prodcast it to the world, but I'm also not going to make it completely private. My hope, is that if someone is struggling, they will stumble here and it will help them along their way.