Monday, March 2, 2015

Five Years Ago

Dear Lord,
Five years ago, we lost our baby. Because we were going to adopt her, it wasn't a normal miscarriage, just an emotional one. Lord, I never thought I would recover from that loss. I'm been reading through my blog, and also my private journal. As I look back, I am amazed at how far I have come. I have come from wishing death to take me from my grief, to being completely at peace.

Lord, through you I have been made whole. I have been able to find a new purpose in life. Thank you Lord. Even when I told myself I didn't need you anymore, you didn't abandon me. Thank you Jesus, for not giving up on me. Thank you for always loving me.

Lord, I am at peace. I am. But still, this day always brings a tear to my eye. I will never forget how excited we were to be parents. Finally, all felt right with the world. We were going to have a little girl.

I still think of little Ashlynn from time to time. I will never forget the dream we had of her. I will always hold her close in my heart. Because the little girl ended up with another family, I have no grave to mark our loss. Instead, I have a piece of my heart that will forever be broken. That is how I honor her and what almost was.

Lord, it has been a rocky journey. Thank you for holding me in your arms through the toughest parts. I still don't understand how I survived it. But I did. I now realize I wasn't alone, you were there for me. Thank you Lord.

I think of the day when life felt like it wasn't worth living. As soon as I had that thought, I saw my husband outside. He really is my everything. He is my rock. Thank you for helping me fall in love with him when I was almost too stubborn to.

Lord, I am still trying to understand your plan for my life. I spent years and years trying to be a mother. Then a few years just trying to recover from our loss. Over the last few years, I've been more about living in the moment and appreciating what I have.

Lord, please take me in your hands and mold me to what you would have me be. I can accept that you have a different plan for me than I ever did. Please help me to see it one day so that I may have better understanding of what we went through.