Friday, September 25, 2015

This week has been so peaceful, compared to weeks of the past.

Last week, I was finally able to let go. It was the hardest and easiest thing I have ever done. Standing there, before God, I was so scared to let go. I don't like giving up control. But truth is, I've never been in control.

I've spent months telling myself it doesn't matter. I've spent months stalking and trying to figure out things before they even happen. I've lost sleep over something that hadn't even happened. I couldn't take it anymore.

So I gave it to God. I gave him my doubts about the situation. I gave up the pain and the fear. I trust Him. He is in control and things will work out exactly like they are supposed to. If I keep holding on, it will just make it harder. But by giving it to God, I know I can do this.

The instant I gave it to God, I felt such peace and love. God knows me better than I know myself. The last few weeks, I would start each morning telling myself that day would be different. I wouldn't dwell on it. But by noon, I would be obsessing. Each night, I felt like I had let down not only myself, but also God. But the next day would be the same.

I was praying for strength, but I was still holding onto the pain. Once I let go of the pain, I was scared it would leave a void in my heart and soul and I would just take the pain back.

So I continued to pray for God to fill that void. And He did. I have a peace inside me that I never thought I would have.

Some days, I have to turn it over to God again. But I do it before I can even let it back in. Even if I have to do it everyday, its worth it for the peace I have found.
I really need to learn to write down thoughts while they are fresh. I have a feeling that is so strong, I don't think I'll forget it. But then I get busy and it starts to fade away until I reach the point where I question if that feeling.

Truth is, I've been struggling. I know of someone that is trying to grow their family and it has wrecked havoc on my heart. I struggle daily with this battle. "God, please don't make me go through this again." But sometimes, "God, I know how hard it is to try so hard and not get pregnant. Its not a pain I'd wish on anyone." But I always end up coming back to my own pain and how I don't think I can do this again.

Last month, I did something I swore I would never do again. I took a pregnancy test. (This is what I wish I had written about sooner.) My period is now over 2 months late (so at that point, it was one month late). This is not uncommon for my body. Really, it does this about once a year. Its always been that way. But I let this one get in my head and mess with me.

I was a mess all day. Should I test? What's the point? I knew it would be negative. I knew there was no way I was pregnant. But there was the one small seed of hope that always sits deep within my heart.

Finally, I told myself I would take the test, just to prove to myself I was right. I remember driving to the store and telling myself to just turn around and go back to work. I was just wasting my money. I bought the cheapest kit they had, which happened to come with 2 test strips.

I drove back to work and hid in a bathroom stall, waiting for the results. Of course it was negative; I knew it would be. I knew it. And I felt relief. (This is the part I'm now questioning myself on after time has passed.) But I do remember that. I felt relief that it was negative.

The whole time I kept telling myself why it was dumb to think I was pregnant. We live in a small house where we really don't have room for a nursery. I just went back to school and that is going to be a several years commitment for me. Logically, a baby would just throw off my plans. I finally feel like my life is going somewhere.

So why all the turmoil? Years ago, I thought I had enough faith to make it happen. I thought if I prayed enough, it would happen. I feel so much closer to God now than I did years ago. And it makes me question my faith. If only I had believed more at that time. Maybe it would have happened differently.

But in my heart, I know, that God knew my heart back then. I'm still trying to fully accept it, with no lingering doubts, but I do believe things worked out like they were supposed to. Which really has just opened even more thoughts I need to ponder on. I've spent all these years thinking we lost "our" baby. But really, was she even really our baby to begin with? Or was God just trying to use me to help the birthmom. Was God using the situation to help me learn and grow. I don't know. I feel like if I say the baby was never ours, it makes my grief invalid. But I know my pain was real. So I guess this is something I need to spend more time praying about.

A few months ago, I had a thought that startled me. I can't even remember where I was or what prompted it, but I thought, "if I had a niece, that would be fun to do with her." I immediatly got mad at myself. I've spent years saying I don't want a niece. I only want nephews. To me, it helps me feel justified. We lost a little girl. I've always felt that if our parents never get a chance at another granddaughter, it helps justify my pain. I know its purely selfish. But each time, its a nephew instead of a niece, my heart cries out in joy and relief. With the newest nephew, it was like I couldn't even breathe the first few months. But once I learned it was a boy, I was so relieved.

I know its ridicioul to think that I'll always only have nephews. But its been my one point of peace through all of our struggles. But now that I'm trying to see our situation differently, its starting to matter less and less that I only have nephews. A few times now, I've thought about a niece.

I've gotten off track here. This isn't what I originally planneed to write about. As I said at the begining, I'm struggling with a pregnancy that may or may not happen. But I've been so caught up on it happening, that it is has turned me into a mess.

For about a month, I've been trying to come to terms with it. But I'm scared that the moment I do, the pregnancy will happen. And that scares me. I don't do well with pregnancies.