Sunday, November 13, 2016

Weakness

Four months ago, I went to church in my pj's. My husband had left me and my world was falling apart. The only thing I knew was that I needed Jesus. My pastor has always said to come as you are, and that is just what I did. I came that day completely broken. There was no other place I wanted to be, except in His presence.

As I sat in the same pew today, I was in awe at all He has done for me. I thought my husband leaving me would kill me. But Jesus sustained me and carried me. As I thought back to that day, I am amazed at how far I have come. Jesus has healed my broken heart and restored my joy. I am His completely.

I know I have shared this verse before, but I keep coming back to it. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. "


At my weakest, He drew me closer to His glory. I am amazed by His love every day, but it was at my lowest I was able to see just how fully and completely He loves me. It was at my weakest that I realized just how strong and powerful He is. Because of my weakness, I was more fully able to see just how wonderful He is. 

For weeks, Jesus was the very air I breathed. I would've never survived without Him. At my darkest point, I cried out to Him, and He saved me. I not only survived, but I feel like I have thrived these last few months. He took everything broken inside of me and restored it. I can never sing His praise enough for all He has done for me. 

I give all the credit to God. I hope as others look at me, they see His light in me. When they wonder how I was able to turn it all around and find my joy, despite the pain, I hope they can see His Glory and Joy inside of me. 

Without Him, I would be lost. But His Grace and Mercy are new each day. I wouldn't have survived without Him. He is my Strength, my Comforter, my Prince of Peace. He carried me through the storm and safely to the shore on the other side. He is always faithful. 

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Joy

A month ago, my cry was "my heart, my heart." But now my heart proclaims, "my joy, my joy!"
My soul, it sings. My heart is full of love. I owe all thanks to my Lord, my Creator. 

He has carried me these last few months. Not once, did He abandon me and leave me alone. He has been my constant companion.

My soul sings of the love He has for me.

 His grace and His mercy have redeemed me.

His unfailing love has saved me.

 He has made me whole. 
  

I am beyond beautiful in His sight. That He would love one such as me is beyond my imagination. 

Which each breath, my soul thanks Him. Which each heartbeat, my heart thanks Him. 

 He is my God, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Deliverer, my Healer, my Joy, my Everything.

He has healed my broken heart. He has restored my joy to overflowing. 

Because of Him, I can sing, I can laugh, I can smile. He is always faithful. 

Thursday, September 29, 2016

He Knows

I went out with some friends tonight. It was nice. Actually, I go out with friends at least once a week. Its good to get out of the house and feel normal. I've even adopted myself into a family. I probably spend more time with them than anyone else. I feel loved and welcome there; because they are so focused on Jesus, its where I always feel the most peace. I'm sure that is why I love them so much. They have the peace of God and that is the peace I need right now. Its the peace I always need.
 

Earlier this month, I hit rock bottom. I've only told one person just how bad it was, but I'm sure others have guessed. I reached the point where I just wanted to feel something else, even if it was a different kind of pain. On the worst night, I just sat still, crying to God to protect me. I didn't dare move. I didn't trust myself. But I trust God. After that is when I admitted to my friend how bad it was. I've spent many nights in prayer over coming those dark thoughts. I'm so grateful for a God who never gives up on me. For Jesus, who understands the pain of betrayal. For a Savior who died to save me. 

I've picked up running. Not very far or for very long yet, but I'm working on it. Some nights I run to distract myself from the pain. When I get home and my legs hurt, I am just grateful to feel alive. It also exhaust me so I can sleep better at night. But some days I run because I need to prove to myself I can do hard things. I hate running. I've never understood why people would pay to run in a race. But I think I'm starting to get it. When I hit a mile on the treadmill, I throw my arms in the air and cheer for myself. Last night, I ran 2 miles. I was so proud of myself I almost cried. I'm an overcomer. 

The pain gets less and less each day. I'm starting to feel hope again. I'm starting to embrace life again. All is not over. God is just getting started. 

Tonight, when I came home, the devil started in on his lies. He tries to attack me constantly. He tells me lies like "I'm not good enough," or "I'm too ugly." When one lie doesn't work, he tries another. Tonight, I heard him tell me that maybe if we had had real TV, than he would've spent less time online and, therefore, never left me. 

I rebuked him and told him that I didn't need his lies. God knew this would happen. Even more, God started planning on it years ago. And then it just hit me. How much God has set in place, over the years, for this moment in my life. I know I can't even see all of the details, but I can now see several of them.

In 2012, we started looking for a home to buy but it took us over a year to find one. We looked at several, but none of them felt right. The one that we did put an offer on, fell through. I just felt like we needed something small that we could afford on only one income if something happened. And so we kept looking. When we bought the town home, it felt small, but so was the payment. The thing that really gets me is, at that time, I was still running from God. I didn't think I needed Him, but He knew better. He knew what my future held and He knew what I would need. I've stressed over a lot of things the last two months, but not once has my home been one of those things. Even when I wasn't seeking God, He was taking care of me. He knew that one day it would be just my income to support me. He set it up so I would have a home I could afford on my own. 

Just over two years ago, I woke up with the desire to go back to school. I had tossed around the idea for years, but it was like there was an sudden urgency. Still, at this point, I wasn't focused on God, but He was focused on me. I've no doubt He was looking at my future and He knew I needed to go back to school. He knew that I would need the job I have now to support myself. He even helped provide the funds so I wouldn't need to take out student loans. Even now, as I worry where I'll find the money for next semester, I know that He will provide a way. 

I know that it was God's will that helped me get the job I have now. After my second interview, I knew I had blown it. I told God that. And than I put it in His hands and I knew that His will would be done. When I was offered the job, I knew it was all because of God. 

Then there is the big moment where He finally called me back. I was thinking about that at bible study last night. God is always working, all the time and everywhere. He first found me on the phones at work when a customer called me back to tell me that God was real and he prayed for me. At the time, I didn't think much of it. But it planted a seed and two months later I found myself inside the church I now call home. 

I believe that God is in every detail of my life; not just the big moments, but the small moments too. I'm even convinced He put Blue in that tree for me to find. 

God knows. This blessed assurity burns within my soul and so I have to write it out so I don't forget. I may have turned my back on God, for a time, but He never once stopped loving me. His love is unfailing. He truly has planned out every detail to make sure my needs are met. He wraps me in His peace. I look back over the last two months, and I don't even know how I survived. When I felt like I couldn't take one more step, God carried me. During this time of darkness, I hold fast to Him. I know that He will get me through this. And not just through this, but that there is something amazing on the other side. 

God has given me life. When I feel like I can't do anything else, He is the very air I breathe. Each time I seek His peace, His love floods over me until I am made new. When the pain crashes in, He pulls me back into the light. He knows my pain and heartache and His heart breaks too. I would be lost without Him. God knew that. God knew I would need Him and I'm so glad I have Him.

Monday, August 15, 2016

God's Army of Angels

Last week, I had a booth at the County Fair to sell makeup with my friend Christy. I had learned that the jerk was bringing his girlfriend to the rodeo on Saturday. We are still legally married until the judge signs off in November, but apparently that didn't matter to him.

I realize I can't avoid him forever, but it just hurt that he would do that so soon after he left me. Obviously he has no respect for marriage, but it still hurt. I had thought about just staying home that day, but I really need my business to do well, so I decided to go.

I spent all day praying for God to guard my heart and to protect me. I prayed that He would surround me with his army of angels and keep me from harm. God is always faithful!

Literally all night, our booth was pretty dead. But there was a five minute window, just before the rodeo started, when our booth was literally surrounded with people. So many people that I couldn't even see the booth next to us, let alone the entrance where people were pouring in from the parking lot to go to the rodeo. As I looked around at all the people, I knew God has sent His army to protect me.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Tithing

In the past, I've paid tithing, mostly because I felt like it was my duty. I've been greatly blessed and I want to return it. But having my income limited has really shown me just how much paying tithing means to me.

I've always paid tithing when I got my monthly paycheck. Then I would pay it on Josh's paychecks that he received every other week. That usually left just one week of the month where I didn't have any tithing to pay. But even then, I usually had an extra $20 in my wallet. When I lost the second source of income, paying tithing on it was one of the things I missed the most. For 3 long weeks, I had nothing I could contribute to tithing bag as it was passed each Sunday and it broke my heart.

This is where I can hear Pastor Dee say "God is here to get your heart, not your money." And I know that is true. But it broke my heart to not contribute each week.

As I sat down to budget my first paycheck of living on my own, tithing was the very first item on my list. I can not express the joy that filled my heart yesterday as I placed my envelope in the bag. I will admit, I thought about splitting it up, so I could give some each week. But that didn't feel right. I don't want my blessings to be portioned out, so I won't do that with my tithing.

As I learn to budget and live on my own, I know that I will have to cut back in some areas. But my tithing will never be one of them.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Psalms 16:11
You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.


Jesus, I am less lost in your presence. Your peace floods over me like a river. God, I know what the world would have me do, but I want to know Your will. Search me deeply O Lord, and let me know Your will. God, I know I am held up by Your righteous hand. Please just let me see which way I need to go. The fear paralyzes me. I know that is not of you, but of the enemy. That is why I continually seek Your peace and guidance. Please speak to me God. Tell me what you would have me do.

In Your word, I find your answers and promises. I am scared to take this step, but I know that You will catch me. I know You will carry me through this storm. I know that when I get to the other side, you will bless me more than I can even imagine.

Your timing is perfect. You are always faithful. I will praise you during the storm and give thanks to you continually for all you bless me with. The storm rages all around me, but in Your presence, I will not be harmed.

I give You my heart Jesus. Its all I have left to give. Right now, it feels so broken, but I know You are the only one who can fix it. Mold it to Your will. Restore my joy.


Psalms 63:1
O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;
My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Psalms 61:1-4
Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lad me to the rock that is higher than I.
For You have been a refuge for me, A tower of strength against the enemy.
Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.

The Lord is my refuge and strength

Blessed is she who believes what the Lord has said.

Let not your heart be troubled nor let it be afraid.

The Lord is my refuge and strength

1 Peter 5 :6-7
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

Psalms 16:8'I have set the Lord continually before me; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Job 8:21
"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter And your lips with shouting."

Psalms 118: 14
The Lord is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation.

Exodus 14:14
The Lord will fight for you, you need only to BE STILL.

Psalms 16:11
You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Mark 9: 23
And Jesus said to him, "If You can? All things are possible to him who believes."

Psalms 46:10
"Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Luke 1:37
For nothing will be impossible with God.

Isaiah 55:9
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.

Jeremiah 29: 12-14
Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find ME when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, 'declares the Lord.'