Lesson on Control

Dear Lord, I feel like you are trying to teach me yet another lesson on control. It seems to be a lesson I struggle with. For years, I tried to have control over my infertility. Now I struggle with having full control of my life. I try to plan every minute of each day so I can have time for work, school and my husband. But I have left myself no room for those things out of my control.

Last night, I lost it. I spent the day trying to be at work and the hospital at the same time. Because of that, I missed out on being there to get my anniversary flowers at work. But when I was at work, I felt guilty for not being at the hospital. Then, I thought I could still do what I wanted to do for my anniversary. Again, I planned it down to the minute so I would have time to rush to where I wanted to go. But obstacles came up and I couldn't do what I wanted. And I lost it. I just wanted to do what I wanted.

I was so mad last night. But now I think I can see it more clearly. I think I was trying to avoid my emotions. I wouldn't allow myself the time to fall apart and cry about my brother and how it affected me.  By having my plans not work out, it seemed to help open the flood gates so I could work through it.

But I also learned a valuable lesson last night. I wanted the night to be about celebrating the love I have for my husband. Instead, it turned into a night of my husband being my rock. We didn't celebrate our love with a candle light dinner. Instead, the night served as a reminder that not only are we there for the happy moments, but we are also there for the hard ones too. I needed that. Sometimes I think we take each other for advantage. The night helped to remind me that he is there for me during the dark times also. That he isn't going anywhere when things turn nasty.

I'm not saying I have mastered this lesson on control. I'm sure I'll have control issues in the future. But I will try to be more open to them. Just be patient with me Lord.