Tuesday, January 27, 2015

My prayer to forgive others

I keep having a thought that I know I need to study out further. Maybe study out isn't the right word; its more like act upon.

The last 2 weeks, during bible study, the thought has occurred to me, "Christ has forgiven me of my sins and he thinks on them no more. Why can't I do the same towards others?"

This thought cuts me deep. There are some people in my life that I hold great resentment towards. Sadly, they are family. Why are we hardest on those who are closest to us? I'm not sure, but I am. I get angry and I lash out at them. I don't mean to. But its like I've been this way for so long, I don't know how to act any other way.

Lord, I'm asking you, I'm begging you, to take this pain from my heart. I'm tired of fighting with them. I'm tired of being hurt by their actions, or the lack there of. I don't think they even know I'm hurt and upset. But I've held onto this anger for years. Its like it has darkened my soul and routed itself into my heart. I don't want to be like this anymore. Lord, please heal my heart and make me whole. Please take this anger from me and destroy it so it won't darken my heart any longer. Through you Lord, I know I can be whole again. Please help me. Help me let go. Help me move on. Help me forget the hurt and pain. Lord, I don't want to be like this anymore. I want it be like it used to be. Please heal me Lord. I've tried to do it on my own for a few years now. I now realize, I can't do this on my own. My soul is too weak to do it on my own. Lord, I know with your help, I can move beyond this. Lord, with your strength, I can forgive and forget. Lord, I want to let go of these feelings and never visit them again. I want to crush them so they never haunt me again. I want to be made whole again. With you Lord, I know it is possible. I'm opening my heart to you and your healing powers. Please fix my heart and soul Lord Jesus.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

My Spiritual Blog's Purpose

As I mentioned, in my first post, I have discovered a burning desire to renew my relationship with Christ. I've been wanting to write about my thoughts and feelings. But they are very near to my heart, so my family blog didn't feel like that right place. So then I thought of writing it on my infertility blog, but that too didn't feel quite right.

I wish I had started this blog sooner, because I know I have already forgotten things I wanted to ponder futher. Luckily, I had the mindset to at least write about my Noel, until I could decide where I wanted to share it.

This summer, I expressed my desires to a friend about making peace with God. She encouraged me to follow my heart. But I was still scared and hesitant. Its hard to step out of your comfort zone, especially into the unknown. I knew I didn't want to go back to an LDS church house, but I wasn't sure where else to go.

I kept telling myself, just pick a church on the road and go. My heart kept leading me towards the Roosevelt Christian Assembly, but I couldn't make myself go alone. Each week, I would say I was going to go. But come Sunday morning, I would chicken out.

When that sweet gentleman prayed for me over the phone, I knew he went to the church house. But I was still scared.

Then my dear friend said she would go with me, and that was the same one she mentioned.

It almost feels like fate.

The first Sunday was over whelming. They are very different from what I grew up with. Not in a bad or better way; just plain different. I was the only person in a dress and the only one not drinking coffee. Don't mistake that, I had drank my coffee before going, I didn't know I could bring it with me.

Before leaving that day, I had made a new friend. So it wasn't as scary to go the next week. Or the next.

Without even noticing it, I looked forward to church every week. I would find myself, 4 more days until Sunday. 2 more days. Finally, its Sunday!

Each week seems to bring me new insight, understanding or other thoughts I promise myself I will further ponder on. Sometimes I remember; sometimes I don't. I'm hoping this blog will help me with that.

This is a journey for me to find Christ. I'm not going to prodcast it to the world, but I'm also not going to make it completely private. My hope, is that if someone is struggling, they will stumble here and it will help them along their way.