Earlier this month, I hit rock bottom. I've only told one person just how bad it was, but I'm sure others have guessed. I reached the point where I just wanted to feel something else, even if it was a different kind of pain. On the worst night, I just sat still, crying to God to protect me. I didn't dare move. I didn't trust myself. But I trust God. After that is when I admitted to my friend how bad it was. I've spent many nights in prayer over coming those dark thoughts. I'm so grateful for a God who never gives up on me. For Jesus, who understands the pain of betrayal. For a Savior who died to save me.
I've picked up running. Not very far or for very long yet, but I'm working on it. Some nights I run to distract myself from the pain. When I get home and my legs hurt, I am just grateful to feel alive. It also exhaust me so I can sleep better at night. But some days I run because I need to prove to myself I can do hard things. I hate running. I've never understood why people would pay to run in a race. But I think I'm starting to get it. When I hit a mile on the treadmill, I throw my arms in the air and cheer for myself. Last night, I ran 2 miles. I was so proud of myself I almost cried. I'm an overcomer.
The pain gets less and less each day. I'm starting to feel hope again. I'm starting to embrace life again. All is not over. God is just getting started.
Tonight, when I came home, the devil started in on his lies. He tries to attack me constantly. He tells me lies like "I'm not good enough," or "I'm too ugly." When one lie doesn't work, he tries another. Tonight, I heard him tell me that maybe if we had had real TV, than he would've spent less time online and, therefore, never left me.
I rebuked him and told him that I didn't need his lies. God knew this would happen. Even more, God started planning on it years ago. And then it just hit me. How much God has set in place, over the years, for this moment in my life. I know I can't even see all of the details, but I can now see several of them.
In 2012, we started looking for a home to buy but it took us over a year to find one. We looked at several, but none of them felt right. The one that we did put an offer on, fell through. I just felt like we needed something small that we could afford on only one income if something happened. And so we kept looking. When we bought the town home, it felt small, but so was the payment. The thing that really gets me is, at that time, I was still running from God. I didn't think I needed Him, but He knew better. He knew what my future held and He knew what I would need. I've stressed over a lot of things the last two months, but not once has my home been one of those things. Even when I wasn't seeking God, He was taking care of me. He knew that one day it would be just my income to support me. He set it up so I would have a home I could afford on my own.
Just over two years ago, I woke up with the desire to go back to school. I had tossed around the idea for years, but it was like there was an sudden urgency. Still, at this point, I wasn't focused on God, but He was focused on me. I've no doubt He was looking at my future and He knew I needed to go back to school. He knew that I would need the job I have now to support myself. He even helped provide the funds so I wouldn't need to take out student loans. Even now, as I worry where I'll find the money for next semester, I know that He will provide a way.
I know that it was God's will that helped me get the job I have now. After my second interview, I knew I had blown it. I told God that. And than I put it in His hands and I knew that His will would be done. When I was offered the job, I knew it was all because of God.
Then there is the big moment where He finally called me back. I was thinking about that at bible study last night. God is always working, all the time and everywhere. He first found me on the phones at work when a customer called me back to tell me that God was real and he prayed for me. At the time, I didn't think much of it. But it planted a seed and two months later I found myself inside the church I now call home.
I believe that God is in every detail of my life; not just the big moments, but the small moments too. I'm even convinced He put Blue in that tree for me to find.
God knows. This blessed assurity burns within my soul and so I have to write it out so I don't forget. I may have turned my back on God, for a time, but He never once stopped loving me. His love is unfailing. He truly has planned out every detail to make sure my needs are met. He wraps me in His peace. I look back over the last two months, and I don't even know how I survived. When I felt like I couldn't take one more step, God carried me. During this time of darkness, I hold fast to Him. I know that He will get me through this. And not just through this, but that there is something amazing on the other side.
God has given me life. When I feel like I can't do anything else, He is the very air I breathe. Each time I seek His peace, His love floods over me until I am made new. When the pain crashes in, He pulls me back into the light. He knows my pain and heartache and His heart breaks too. I would be lost without Him. God knew that. God knew I would need Him and I'm so glad I have Him.