I love you now more than I ever have. I used to think I loved you, but I now realize, I just loved the testimony of others who loved you. I trusted them and thought it was enough.
But these last few months I have realized, what I thought I knew about you, I had no clue. I love you because I want to love you. Not because others expect me to. Not because others tell me too. I plan to continue to study your word and love you even more.
But Lord, its made me question so much. I questioned the faith I grew up with. For a while, I thought "how can so many people be wrong?" But now I see that you God are holy, and that transcends all the religions out there. Its not about worshiping in the "right" building, but just knowing that you are God.
I still worry that family will not love me when they know I no longer attend "their" church, but Lord Jesus, I know you love me and that is all that matters. I hope they will respect me like I respect them.
Lord Jesus, the hardest struggle has been wondering about my infertility. Years ago, I thought I had enough faith it would work out. I prayed and prayed. Finally, I accepted that your answer was no. And I thought that was ok.
But now, as I come to love you more and more, I feel this little speck of hope awakening. Jesus, it is tearing my heart apart. I can't do that again. I just can't. I don't have the strength anymore. I moved on. I thought I had found peace.
All I have strength for is to pray for peace. Please Jesus, just give me peace. Let me rest from this struggle. I have carried it for so long that I'm pretty sure its just a part of me. But Lord, sometimes it weighs on my heart and seems like more than I can bear.
Please Jesus, just take this burden from me. Please give me peace.