What the Bible Means to Me

At bible study the other night, we were encouraged to write down what the bible means to us.


My first thought was, to me, its the best way to start my day. I do really well to read before work each day. But on the weekends, I get lazy and sometimes miss a day or two. But I can tell a difference in my day when I start it with the bible.

When Jessica gave me my bible, I felt my heart leap for joy. I don't know why I didn't think to get one before. It was at the moment, I promised myself, I would read the entire thing. I decided to start with the New Testament first, which I finished this morning. I'm excited to start the Old Testament tomorrow. It strikes me as strange, that even when I was a stout LDS member, I had never read the bible. I think I started the New Testament a few times, but I never made it that far into it.

This morning I realized, it has helped me quench my thirst for Christ. After years of religious inactivity, I was ready to dive back in. Each Sunday enriches my soul. During the holiday season, bible study was put on hold. That left me with just Sunday to praise Jesus. (Which really, probably helped me better establish a routine of going to church each week.) But still, each Sunday always felt forever away. But with my bible, I don't have to wait for Sunday.

I still have the thirst for Christ, but now I can feel it being satisfied each day. It has quickly become a large part of my life. I'm so grateful that it is now a large part of my life.

Lord,
I'm struggling. On one hand, know I should feel sympathy and compassion for their situation. But on the other hand, I keep thinking, "good, now they know what its like." And Lord, the second thought wins out more often than the first thought does.

I guess I still hold just a bit more anger in my heart. I should feel bad for them. I know what its like to want a baby. To try for months and months, only to never achieve that. But Lord, it kind of feels satisfying that they are now on that path. But I feel bad for feeling that way.

Lord, I need you to guide me right now. I keep wanting to just do nothing and ignore it, but the thought keeps haunting me. Should I offer some words of comfort? If so, I am having a hard time thinking any.

Lord, I keep asking myself, if I could go back and have it all go differently, what would I have wanted them to do? I can't think of specifics, but I do wish they could have been more kind and compassionate during my struggle. I hated that they ignored it.

So why would I do that to another? Lord, please take my heart and help me know what to do.

Lesson on Control

Dear Lord, I feel like you are trying to teach me yet another lesson on control. It seems to be a lesson I struggle with. For years, I tried to have control over my infertility. Now I struggle with having full control of my life. I try to plan every minute of each day so I can have time for work, school and my husband. But I have left myself no room for those things out of my control.

Last night, I lost it. I spent the day trying to be at work and the hospital at the same time. Because of that, I missed out on being there to get my anniversary flowers at work. But when I was at work, I felt guilty for not being at the hospital. Then, I thought I could still do what I wanted to do for my anniversary. Again, I planned it down to the minute so I would have time to rush to where I wanted to go. But obstacles came up and I couldn't do what I wanted. And I lost it. I just wanted to do what I wanted.

I was so mad last night. But now I think I can see it more clearly. I think I was trying to avoid my emotions. I wouldn't allow myself the time to fall apart and cry about my brother and how it affected me.  By having my plans not work out, it seemed to help open the flood gates so I could work through it.

But I also learned a valuable lesson last night. I wanted the night to be about celebrating the love I have for my husband. Instead, it turned into a night of my husband being my rock. We didn't celebrate our love with a candle light dinner. Instead, the night served as a reminder that not only are we there for the happy moments, but we are also there for the hard ones too. I needed that. Sometimes I think we take each other for advantage. The night helped to remind me that he is there for me during the dark times also. That he isn't going anywhere when things turn nasty.

I'm not saying I have mastered this lesson on control. I'm sure I'll have control issues in the future. But I will try to be more open to them. Just be patient with me Lord.

Dear Lord,
I'm fighting some conflicting problems right now and I need your help. When I first heard the news about my brother, I was mad. I kept thinking of him laying in the hospital, and all I could think was how it upset me that he was there. Lord, I know I should feel hurt and worry, but because I couldn't, it made me even more upset.

Lord, please grant me thy peace. Please still my soul. Please bless me with understanding. Please grant me compassion at this time.

I have yet to cry and it makes me feel like a bad person. Like I've let him down. I keep trying to sort it out in my head and I think I'm just afraid to feel anything right now. Last night, I felt like I had to be the strong one. Strong for my mom and dad. A beacon of strength for my sister. I didn't have time for my own feelings.

A Prayer of a Thankful Heart

My Forgiveness Prayer was helped me so much. I read it several times last week. It has sunk into my soul. Yesterday, I noticed how far I have already come. In just under a week, my heart has made a drastic change.

Thank you Lord Jesus. I can't believe that after holding this hatred and anger for years and years, it is just melting away at heartbreak speed. When I said my previous prayer, I thought it would take time. I knew you were Amazing, but I underestimated just how fast Your power can work when a soul is ready for it. I thought I would be ending the week saying, "I hope to do better next time." But instead, I ended the night thinking, "now that is how it used to be." Lord, I know I'm not completely whole yet, but I feel so much closer to Thee. Lord, when you say you can make broken things new, I never knew it could happen so fast. I was looking for this bright shining moment, but instead it was a quite whisper in my heart that said all will be ok. Thank you so much Lord for this miracle. I am in awe that in just one week, you were able to do what I haven't been able to do for years. Please continue to work on my heart, it can be stubborn sometimes. But I know that if I let you do it your way, I will be whole once more. Thank you Lord Jesus.

My prayer to forgive others

I keep having a thought that I know I need to study out further. Maybe study out isn't the right word; its more like act upon.

The last 2 weeks, during bible study, the thought has occurred to me, "Christ has forgiven me of my sins and he thinks on them no more. Why can't I do the same towards others?"

This thought cuts me deep. There are some people in my life that I hold great resentment towards. Sadly, they are family. Why are we hardest on those who are closest to us? I'm not sure, but I am. I get angry and I lash out at them. I don't mean to. But its like I've been this way for so long, I don't know how to act any other way.


Lord, I'm asking you, I'm begging you, to take this pain from my heart. I'm tired of fighting with them. I'm tired of being hurt by their actions, or the lack there of. I don't think they even know I'm hurt and upset. But I've held onto this anger for years. Its like it has darkened my soul and routed itself into my heart. I don't want to be like this anymore. Lord, please heal my heart and make me whole. Please take this anger from me and destroy it so it won't darken my heart any longer. Through you Lord, I know I can be whole again. Please help me. Help me let go. Help me move on. Help me forget the hurt and pain. Lord, I don't want to be like this anymore. I want it be like it used to be. Please heal me Lord. I've tried to do it on my own for a few years now. I now realize, I can't do this on my own. My soul is too weak to do it on my own. Lord, I know with your help, I can move beyond this. Lord, with your strength, I can forgive and forget. Lord, I want to let go of these feelings and never visit them again. I want to crush them so they never haunt me again. I want to be made whole again. With you Lord, I know it is possible. I'm opening my heart to you and your healing powers. Please fix my heart and soul Lord Jesus.

My Spiritual Blog's Purpose

As I mentioned, in my first post, I have discovered a burning desire to renew my relationship with Christ. I've been wanting to write about my thoughts and feelings. But they are very near to my heart, so my family blog didn't feel like that right place. So then I thought of writing it on my infertility blog, but that too didn't feel quite right.

I wish I had started this blog sooner, because I know I have already forgotten things I wanted to ponder futher. Luckily, I had the mindset to at least write about my Noel, until I could decide where I wanted to share it.

This summer, I expressed my desires to a friend about making peace with God. She encouraged me to follow my heart. But I was still scared and hesitant. Its hard to step out of your comfort zone, especially into the unknown. I knew I didn't want to go back to an LDS church house, but I wasn't sure where else to go.

I kept telling myself, just pick a church on the road and go. My heart kept leading me towards the Roosevelt Christian Assembly, but I couldn't make myself go alone. Each week, I would say I was going to go. But come Sunday morning, I would chicken out.

When that sweet gentleman prayed for me over the phone, I knew he went to the church house. But I was still scared.

Then my dear friend said she would go with me, and that was the same one she mentioned.

It almost feels like fate.

The first Sunday was over whelming. They are very different from what I grew up with. Not in a bad or better way; just plain different. I was the only person in a dress and the only one not drinking coffee. Don't mistake that, I had drank my coffee before going, I didn't know I could bring it with me.

Before leaving that day, I had made a new friend. So it wasn't as scary to go the next week. Or the next.

Without even noticing it, I looked forward to church every week. I would find myself, 4 more days until Sunday. 2 more days. Finally, its Sunday!

Each week seems to bring me new insight, understanding or other thoughts I promise myself I will further ponder on. Sometimes I remember; sometimes I don't. I'm hoping this blog will help me with that.

This is a journey for me to find Christ. I'm not going to prodcast it to the world, but I'm also not going to make it completely private. My hope, is that if someone is struggling, they will stumble here and it will help them along their way.