No matter how fast and busy my life gets, I have to remember to start my day with the Lord and reading the bible. Some mornings, I get lazy and tell myself what I really need is an extra hour of sleep. But then I spend the rest of the day dragging! But when I get up earlier and leave time to spend with the Lord, my day goes so much smoother.
Its a lesson I continually learn over and over. Maybe by writing it out, it will sink in deeper.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
For I Know the Plans I have for You, Declares the Lord
Sometime, I am in shock and awe at the healing my Savior has brought me. Each time I think I am in a good place with my infertility, He amazes me once more.
A week ago, I went to a Woman's Retreat. Because of my experience a few weeks before that, I didn't go expecting much. My heart has been so at peace, that I just went to have a good weekend hanging with amazing people and loving on Christ.
But the first night, something amazing happened. It was toward the end. The speaker was having a prayer session with those who wanted to come to the front. Like I said, I was feeling pretty good spiritually, so I decided to just hang at the back of the room. I had been praying on and off for a friend, but suddenly God spoke to me.
The scripture Jeremiah 29: 11 popped into my head.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Its actually one of my favorite scriptures, but I had never thought of it this way. It was like God spoke the scripture to me; then He told me that everything with Celeste worked out the way it was supposed to. He always knew how it would end, but He needed me to help her.
Its like the last hole in my heart was healed. It wasn't something we did that made her change her mind. God always had it planned out that way. I even thought that again this weekend while I was sick with a cold. It was a cold that seemed to end things before. Its like God knew I needed to loose all my energy to communicate so she could be able to take notice of another couple. Because heaven knows it was that nasty cold all those years again that was the only reason I slacked up on my daily emails.
Suddenly, its all okay. Everything went exactly as God planned it all those years ago when we tried to adopt.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.
A week ago, I went to a Woman's Retreat. Because of my experience a few weeks before that, I didn't go expecting much. My heart has been so at peace, that I just went to have a good weekend hanging with amazing people and loving on Christ.
But the first night, something amazing happened. It was toward the end. The speaker was having a prayer session with those who wanted to come to the front. Like I said, I was feeling pretty good spiritually, so I decided to just hang at the back of the room. I had been praying on and off for a friend, but suddenly God spoke to me.
The scripture Jeremiah 29: 11 popped into my head.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Its actually one of my favorite scriptures, but I had never thought of it this way. It was like God spoke the scripture to me; then He told me that everything with Celeste worked out the way it was supposed to. He always knew how it would end, but He needed me to help her.
Its like the last hole in my heart was healed. It wasn't something we did that made her change her mind. God always had it planned out that way. I even thought that again this weekend while I was sick with a cold. It was a cold that seemed to end things before. Its like God knew I needed to loose all my energy to communicate so she could be able to take notice of another couple. Because heaven knows it was that nasty cold all those years again that was the only reason I slacked up on my daily emails.
Suddenly, its all okay. Everything went exactly as God planned it all those years ago when we tried to adopt.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.
Friday, September 25, 2015
This week has been so peaceful, compared to weeks of the past.
Last week, I was finally able to let go. It was the hardest and easiest thing I have ever done. Standing there, before God, I was so scared to let go. I don't like giving up control. But truth is, I've never been in control.
I've spent months telling myself it doesn't matter. I've spent months stalking and trying to figure out things before they even happen. I've lost sleep over something that hadn't even happened. I couldn't take it anymore.
So I gave it to God. I gave him my doubts about the situation. I gave up the pain and the fear. I trust Him. He is in control and things will work out exactly like they are supposed to. If I keep holding on, it will just make it harder. But by giving it to God, I know I can do this.
The instant I gave it to God, I felt such peace and love. God knows me better than I know myself. The last few weeks, I would start each morning telling myself that day would be different. I wouldn't dwell on it. But by noon, I would be obsessing. Each night, I felt like I had let down not only myself, but also God. But the next day would be the same.
I was praying for strength, but I was still holding onto the pain. Once I let go of the pain, I was scared it would leave a void in my heart and soul and I would just take the pain back.
So I continued to pray for God to fill that void. And He did. I have a peace inside me that I never thought I would have.
Some days, I have to turn it over to God again. But I do it before I can even let it back in. Even if I have to do it everyday, its worth it for the peace I have found.
Last week, I was finally able to let go. It was the hardest and easiest thing I have ever done. Standing there, before God, I was so scared to let go. I don't like giving up control. But truth is, I've never been in control.
I've spent months telling myself it doesn't matter. I've spent months stalking and trying to figure out things before they even happen. I've lost sleep over something that hadn't even happened. I couldn't take it anymore.
So I gave it to God. I gave him my doubts about the situation. I gave up the pain and the fear. I trust Him. He is in control and things will work out exactly like they are supposed to. If I keep holding on, it will just make it harder. But by giving it to God, I know I can do this.
The instant I gave it to God, I felt such peace and love. God knows me better than I know myself. The last few weeks, I would start each morning telling myself that day would be different. I wouldn't dwell on it. But by noon, I would be obsessing. Each night, I felt like I had let down not only myself, but also God. But the next day would be the same.
I was praying for strength, but I was still holding onto the pain. Once I let go of the pain, I was scared it would leave a void in my heart and soul and I would just take the pain back.
So I continued to pray for God to fill that void. And He did. I have a peace inside me that I never thought I would have.
Some days, I have to turn it over to God again. But I do it before I can even let it back in. Even if I have to do it everyday, its worth it for the peace I have found.
I really need to learn to write down thoughts while they are fresh. I have a feeling that is so strong, I don't think I'll forget it. But then I get busy and it starts to fade away until I reach the point where I question if that feeling.
Truth is, I've been struggling. I know of someone that is trying to grow their family and it has wrecked havoc on my heart. I struggle daily with this battle. "God, please don't make me go through this again." But sometimes, "God, I know how hard it is to try so hard and not get pregnant. Its not a pain I'd wish on anyone." But I always end up coming back to my own pain and how I don't think I can do this again.
Last month, I did something I swore I would never do again. I took a pregnancy test. (This is what I wish I had written about sooner.) My period is now over 2 months late (so at that point, it was one month late). This is not uncommon for my body. Really, it does this about once a year. Its always been that way. But I let this one get in my head and mess with me.
I was a mess all day. Should I test? What's the point? I knew it would be negative. I knew there was no way I was pregnant. But there was the one small seed of hope that always sits deep within my heart.
Finally, I told myself I would take the test, just to prove to myself I was right. I remember driving to the store and telling myself to just turn around and go back to work. I was just wasting my money. I bought the cheapest kit they had, which happened to come with 2 test strips.
I drove back to work and hid in a bathroom stall, waiting for the results. Of course it was negative; I knew it would be. I knew it. And I felt relief. (This is the part I'm now questioning myself on after time has passed.) But I do remember that. I felt relief that it was negative.
The whole time I kept telling myself why it was dumb to think I was pregnant. We live in a small house where we really don't have room for a nursery. I just went back to school and that is going to be a several years commitment for me. Logically, a baby would just throw off my plans. I finally feel like my life is going somewhere.
So why all the turmoil? Years ago, I thought I had enough faith to make it happen. I thought if I prayed enough, it would happen. I feel so much closer to God now than I did years ago. And it makes me question my faith. If only I had believed more at that time. Maybe it would have happened differently.
But in my heart, I know, that God knew my heart back then. I'm still trying to fully accept it, with no lingering doubts, but I do believe things worked out like they were supposed to. Which really has just opened even more thoughts I need to ponder on. I've spent all these years thinking we lost "our" baby. But really, was she even really our baby to begin with? Or was God just trying to use me to help the birthmom. Was God using the situation to help me learn and grow. I don't know. I feel like if I say the baby was never ours, it makes my grief invalid. But I know my pain was real. So I guess this is something I need to spend more time praying about.
A few months ago, I had a thought that startled me. I can't even remember where I was or what prompted it, but I thought, "if I had a niece, that would be fun to do with her." I immediatly got mad at myself. I've spent years saying I don't want a niece. I only want nephews. To me, it helps me feel justified. We lost a little girl. I've always felt that if our parents never get a chance at another granddaughter, it helps justify my pain. I know its purely selfish. But each time, its a nephew instead of a niece, my heart cries out in joy and relief. With the newest nephew, it was like I couldn't even breathe the first few months. But once I learned it was a boy, I was so relieved.
I know its ridicioul to think that I'll always only have nephews. But its been my one point of peace through all of our struggles. But now that I'm trying to see our situation differently, its starting to matter less and less that I only have nephews. A few times now, I've thought about a niece.
I've gotten off track here. This isn't what I originally planneed to write about. As I said at the begining, I'm struggling with a pregnancy that may or may not happen. But I've been so caught up on it happening, that it is has turned me into a mess.
For about a month, I've been trying to come to terms with it. But I'm scared that the moment I do, the pregnancy will happen. And that scares me. I don't do well with pregnancies.
Truth is, I've been struggling. I know of someone that is trying to grow their family and it has wrecked havoc on my heart. I struggle daily with this battle. "God, please don't make me go through this again." But sometimes, "God, I know how hard it is to try so hard and not get pregnant. Its not a pain I'd wish on anyone." But I always end up coming back to my own pain and how I don't think I can do this again.
Last month, I did something I swore I would never do again. I took a pregnancy test. (This is what I wish I had written about sooner.) My period is now over 2 months late (so at that point, it was one month late). This is not uncommon for my body. Really, it does this about once a year. Its always been that way. But I let this one get in my head and mess with me.
I was a mess all day. Should I test? What's the point? I knew it would be negative. I knew there was no way I was pregnant. But there was the one small seed of hope that always sits deep within my heart.
Finally, I told myself I would take the test, just to prove to myself I was right. I remember driving to the store and telling myself to just turn around and go back to work. I was just wasting my money. I bought the cheapest kit they had, which happened to come with 2 test strips.
I drove back to work and hid in a bathroom stall, waiting for the results. Of course it was negative; I knew it would be. I knew it. And I felt relief. (This is the part I'm now questioning myself on after time has passed.) But I do remember that. I felt relief that it was negative.
The whole time I kept telling myself why it was dumb to think I was pregnant. We live in a small house where we really don't have room for a nursery. I just went back to school and that is going to be a several years commitment for me. Logically, a baby would just throw off my plans. I finally feel like my life is going somewhere.
So why all the turmoil? Years ago, I thought I had enough faith to make it happen. I thought if I prayed enough, it would happen. I feel so much closer to God now than I did years ago. And it makes me question my faith. If only I had believed more at that time. Maybe it would have happened differently.
But in my heart, I know, that God knew my heart back then. I'm still trying to fully accept it, with no lingering doubts, but I do believe things worked out like they were supposed to. Which really has just opened even more thoughts I need to ponder on. I've spent all these years thinking we lost "our" baby. But really, was she even really our baby to begin with? Or was God just trying to use me to help the birthmom. Was God using the situation to help me learn and grow. I don't know. I feel like if I say the baby was never ours, it makes my grief invalid. But I know my pain was real. So I guess this is something I need to spend more time praying about.
A few months ago, I had a thought that startled me. I can't even remember where I was or what prompted it, but I thought, "if I had a niece, that would be fun to do with her." I immediatly got mad at myself. I've spent years saying I don't want a niece. I only want nephews. To me, it helps me feel justified. We lost a little girl. I've always felt that if our parents never get a chance at another granddaughter, it helps justify my pain. I know its purely selfish. But each time, its a nephew instead of a niece, my heart cries out in joy and relief. With the newest nephew, it was like I couldn't even breathe the first few months. But once I learned it was a boy, I was so relieved.
I know its ridicioul to think that I'll always only have nephews. But its been my one point of peace through all of our struggles. But now that I'm trying to see our situation differently, its starting to matter less and less that I only have nephews. A few times now, I've thought about a niece.
I've gotten off track here. This isn't what I originally planneed to write about. As I said at the begining, I'm struggling with a pregnancy that may or may not happen. But I've been so caught up on it happening, that it is has turned me into a mess.
For about a month, I've been trying to come to terms with it. But I'm scared that the moment I do, the pregnancy will happen. And that scares me. I don't do well with pregnancies.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Baptism Day
Its baptism day! All week, I've wanted to sit down and write my thoughts. But they have gone a hundred different directions.
I'm so excited. I finally feel like I'm being true to myself. The last several months, I have felt like I was coming home.
I grew up as a religious person, but I can now see, I was just following the lead of others. Always afraid to never step one toe out of line for fear I wouldn't be good enough. Doing what I was told, not because it was right, but because I was too scared to be disappointment to others. So I continued to follow the herd.
I've thought back to the darkest days of my life, after we were unchosen. The grief cycle includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The denial and bargaining, those were mostly to the birthmom. Disbelief of what happened. Sending one last email to try and change things. But I never felt any anger towards her. Instead, I was mad at God. I felt let down. I felt like He didn't really love me. In the end, I decided I didn't need Him; I would do it on my own.
After battling the depression for a few years, I decided it was time to move on with life. And I was okay, for the most part. I could accept we would never have kids, but I still held a lot of bitterness in my heart. Most of the time, I was happy. But the times when I wasn't, I became a good pretender. I didn't want the world to know I was still hurting.
But God didn't give up on me. Last year, I realized, I missed having that connection in my life. But I didn't know what to do. For several reasons, I didn't want to go back the religion I was raised in. I felt like there were too many gaps. I didn't believe in their forever families, but in temple ceremonies only. I knew God loves us too much to separate us from the ones we love. I believe that we can all be in heaven together, no matter where we are married. I also didn't want to go back and constantly be reminded I was not a mother. I didn't want to go back to following the crowd and doing things because I was made to feel guilty if I didn't. And since falling in love with the bible, I've had other questions that can't be answered. I'm not saying they are wrong, but its just not right for me.
But still, I couldn't figure out what I wanted. But God gave me good friends to listen to my concerns. God gave me a good friend who was willing to go out of her comfort zone and go with me. God helped me find an amazing congregation that showed me what it was like to truly love God.
I think back to one of my first weeks there. I think I had been going for about a month. I introduced myself to someone, because I realized we had a friend in common. She said it perfectly. "We praise Jesus."
I'm grateful I started this journal, to help me remember the moments. Such as my first Noel. The day that I was finally able to let go of the hurt and pain and turn it over to Jesus. For years, I had held onto it. But once I turned it over to Him, it was gone instantly.
I was raised as a religious person, but I now see that I was not a spiritual person. I was in church, but God wasn't in my heart.
God has softened my heart. He has taken my pain away. He has healed my soul.
This week has had its high and lows. Some of my family members have struggled with my decision. But I told Josh, even that doesn't bother me. That's how I know I am sure about my decision. I want to do this for me. Not to make them happy. Or out of guilt. I want to do this because its what I want. I've actually wanted to be baptized for several months now, but I let the fear of what they would say hold me back. Until I realized, that the only opinions that mattered were mine and God's.
But even after that, I've still felt an outpouring of love. I didn't think anyone loved me, except my husband. When we decided to stop trying to become parents, I felt useless. I felt like I had been discarded. Like no one needed me anymore. I felt like a shadow on the wall. But I've had a lot of people ask what time is church. And a few family members plan a dinner. I didn't think I was worth that much effort.
Last night, I was really nervous. Not like I wanted to change my mind, just nervous at all the people who said they would come. Now I feel all of this pressure to be good enough. I feel like they are all watching me, to make sure its not a mistake. I feel like I have to be the best example ever, so they can see this is the real deal, and not some phase. I also feel like I need to shine, so those who are against my decision will one day come around.
But then, I hear a whisper in my soul. I only need to be good enough for God. The rest will work itself out if I just stay true to Jesus.
I'm getting baptized for a few reasons.
1) Jesus has healed me. Heart and soul, I have been made whole again.
2) Jesus has changed me. I was never a bad person, but I know I am now a better person, on a journey to be even better each day.
3) This isn't about religion, its a heart thing. God isn't going to ask us what church we attended. He's going to ask where our heart was.
4) I love Jesus. I gave my heart to Him months ago. But it wasn't enough. I have to do this to give Him my soul.
I'm so excited. I finally feel like I'm being true to myself. The last several months, I have felt like I was coming home.
I grew up as a religious person, but I can now see, I was just following the lead of others. Always afraid to never step one toe out of line for fear I wouldn't be good enough. Doing what I was told, not because it was right, but because I was too scared to be disappointment to others. So I continued to follow the herd.
I've thought back to the darkest days of my life, after we were unchosen. The grief cycle includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The denial and bargaining, those were mostly to the birthmom. Disbelief of what happened. Sending one last email to try and change things. But I never felt any anger towards her. Instead, I was mad at God. I felt let down. I felt like He didn't really love me. In the end, I decided I didn't need Him; I would do it on my own.
After battling the depression for a few years, I decided it was time to move on with life. And I was okay, for the most part. I could accept we would never have kids, but I still held a lot of bitterness in my heart. Most of the time, I was happy. But the times when I wasn't, I became a good pretender. I didn't want the world to know I was still hurting.
But God didn't give up on me. Last year, I realized, I missed having that connection in my life. But I didn't know what to do. For several reasons, I didn't want to go back the religion I was raised in. I felt like there were too many gaps. I didn't believe in their forever families, but in temple ceremonies only. I knew God loves us too much to separate us from the ones we love. I believe that we can all be in heaven together, no matter where we are married. I also didn't want to go back and constantly be reminded I was not a mother. I didn't want to go back to following the crowd and doing things because I was made to feel guilty if I didn't. And since falling in love with the bible, I've had other questions that can't be answered. I'm not saying they are wrong, but its just not right for me.
But still, I couldn't figure out what I wanted. But God gave me good friends to listen to my concerns. God gave me a good friend who was willing to go out of her comfort zone and go with me. God helped me find an amazing congregation that showed me what it was like to truly love God.
I think back to one of my first weeks there. I think I had been going for about a month. I introduced myself to someone, because I realized we had a friend in common. She said it perfectly. "We praise Jesus."
I'm grateful I started this journal, to help me remember the moments. Such as my first Noel. The day that I was finally able to let go of the hurt and pain and turn it over to Jesus. For years, I had held onto it. But once I turned it over to Him, it was gone instantly.
I was raised as a religious person, but I now see that I was not a spiritual person. I was in church, but God wasn't in my heart.
God has softened my heart. He has taken my pain away. He has healed my soul.
This week has had its high and lows. Some of my family members have struggled with my decision. But I told Josh, even that doesn't bother me. That's how I know I am sure about my decision. I want to do this for me. Not to make them happy. Or out of guilt. I want to do this because its what I want. I've actually wanted to be baptized for several months now, but I let the fear of what they would say hold me back. Until I realized, that the only opinions that mattered were mine and God's.
But even after that, I've still felt an outpouring of love. I didn't think anyone loved me, except my husband. When we decided to stop trying to become parents, I felt useless. I felt like I had been discarded. Like no one needed me anymore. I felt like a shadow on the wall. But I've had a lot of people ask what time is church. And a few family members plan a dinner. I didn't think I was worth that much effort.
Last night, I was really nervous. Not like I wanted to change my mind, just nervous at all the people who said they would come. Now I feel all of this pressure to be good enough. I feel like they are all watching me, to make sure its not a mistake. I feel like I have to be the best example ever, so they can see this is the real deal, and not some phase. I also feel like I need to shine, so those who are against my decision will one day come around.
But then, I hear a whisper in my soul. I only need to be good enough for God. The rest will work itself out if I just stay true to Jesus.
I'm getting baptized for a few reasons.
1) Jesus has healed me. Heart and soul, I have been made whole again.
2) Jesus has changed me. I was never a bad person, but I know I am now a better person, on a journey to be even better each day.
3) This isn't about religion, its a heart thing. God isn't going to ask us what church we attended. He's going to ask where our heart was.
4) I love Jesus. I gave my heart to Him months ago. But it wasn't enough. I have to do this to give Him my soul.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Luke 15
Today, our sermon covered the prodigal son and the father's love. (Luke 15: 11-24) I've heard the story a hundred times, but today it touched me differently.
I was thinking about T and how much I love her. How much I miss her. How worried I am about her and her son.
The story begins with the younger son. He wanted his inheritance now. The father most likely knew that he would take it and waste it, but he gave it to him anyways. He let him make his own choices.
Sometimes, its hard to understand the choices others make. We think we can see how it is a mistake, but you can't change their minds. They have to make their own decisions. And then, they have to live with the consequences of those decisions.
The son took his money, went to a different land and then squandered it. He was far from home and with no money to take care of his needs. He ended up working in a field, taking care of pigs.
He had to hit rock bottom before he could realize how far gone he was. He realized, that even as a servant to his father, he would be better off than he was at that moment. So he decided to go home.
My favorite verse is Luke 15:20. "So he got up and came to his father, But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him."
His father never stopped loving him. He never stopped watching for him. That versed touched me in so many ways.
First, I thought of when I turned my back on God. I didn't think I needed Him. These last few months, I have realized how wrong I was. My heart has completely turned around the last 6 months. Its like I can't get enough of His word or His love. I live and breathe for Sunday to come, so I can go to church and hear his word. It never fails, no matter my mood. By the 2nd song, I'm smiling and loving every second of it.
And its not just Sunday's. Each day, I yearn to feel Him in my life. Some days, I think I am in continual prayer; telling him my needs, about my fears. Praying for those I love. I've also noticed other changes, how I never listen to the radio anymore. Instead, my soul craves the quietness, so I can communicate with Him. I know longer care what others think of me; instead, I do my best to be more Christlike. I want others to see the changes He has made in me.
I still have trials. I still have bad days. But with God, I know I can face anything. He's got my back. He loves me. And I've realized just how much I need Him. How much I love Him.
Then I thought about T. I know her family is watching and hoping for her to come home again. Not a day passes that they don't pray for her. Not an hour passes that they don't think of her. Not a second passes where they stop loving her. I'm also watching for her to come home, but I know their loves is a millions times more intense because they are her family.
When the son came home, the father gave him a robe, his ring, and sandals. Part of it was to take care of his needs, but it was also to show that he was still his son. That he had never stopped loving him.
T, we will never stop loving you. We are always there for you. When you are ready, we will run out to meet you and embrace you.
Another scripture I loved today was 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
Who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
T's mom and I were talking this weekend. This experience has opened our eyes. I have been saddened to realize just how many people are or have been in an abusive relationship. Every time I turn around, someone else is telling me their story, each more heartbreaking then the next. Its reminded me that we live in a world of sin. This is one of those experiences that has changed my heart. I want to help these people. I'm still learning more, but its like a fire has been lit inside of me, to help others in this situation. I want to help them leave. To comfort them. To help them start a new life. I pray that God will open my eyes to these situations and that I will be able to find a way to help them.
I also loved this scripture, 2 Peter 3:9. "The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."
The fear of the unknown has been so hard. I wish so much that I could see the ending. I wish so much that I could see His plan. But I just have to remind myself to trust in Him. God has got this.
I was thinking about T and how much I love her. How much I miss her. How worried I am about her and her son.
The story begins with the younger son. He wanted his inheritance now. The father most likely knew that he would take it and waste it, but he gave it to him anyways. He let him make his own choices.
Sometimes, its hard to understand the choices others make. We think we can see how it is a mistake, but you can't change their minds. They have to make their own decisions. And then, they have to live with the consequences of those decisions.
The son took his money, went to a different land and then squandered it. He was far from home and with no money to take care of his needs. He ended up working in a field, taking care of pigs.
He had to hit rock bottom before he could realize how far gone he was. He realized, that even as a servant to his father, he would be better off than he was at that moment. So he decided to go home.
My favorite verse is Luke 15:20. "So he got up and came to his father, But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him."
His father never stopped loving him. He never stopped watching for him. That versed touched me in so many ways.
First, I thought of when I turned my back on God. I didn't think I needed Him. These last few months, I have realized how wrong I was. My heart has completely turned around the last 6 months. Its like I can't get enough of His word or His love. I live and breathe for Sunday to come, so I can go to church and hear his word. It never fails, no matter my mood. By the 2nd song, I'm smiling and loving every second of it.
And its not just Sunday's. Each day, I yearn to feel Him in my life. Some days, I think I am in continual prayer; telling him my needs, about my fears. Praying for those I love. I've also noticed other changes, how I never listen to the radio anymore. Instead, my soul craves the quietness, so I can communicate with Him. I know longer care what others think of me; instead, I do my best to be more Christlike. I want others to see the changes He has made in me.
I still have trials. I still have bad days. But with God, I know I can face anything. He's got my back. He loves me. And I've realized just how much I need Him. How much I love Him.
Then I thought about T. I know her family is watching and hoping for her to come home again. Not a day passes that they don't pray for her. Not an hour passes that they don't think of her. Not a second passes where they stop loving her. I'm also watching for her to come home, but I know their loves is a millions times more intense because they are her family.
When the son came home, the father gave him a robe, his ring, and sandals. Part of it was to take care of his needs, but it was also to show that he was still his son. That he had never stopped loving him.
T, we will never stop loving you. We are always there for you. When you are ready, we will run out to meet you and embrace you.
Another scripture I loved today was 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
Who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
T's mom and I were talking this weekend. This experience has opened our eyes. I have been saddened to realize just how many people are or have been in an abusive relationship. Every time I turn around, someone else is telling me their story, each more heartbreaking then the next. Its reminded me that we live in a world of sin. This is one of those experiences that has changed my heart. I want to help these people. I'm still learning more, but its like a fire has been lit inside of me, to help others in this situation. I want to help them leave. To comfort them. To help them start a new life. I pray that God will open my eyes to these situations and that I will be able to find a way to help them.
I also loved this scripture, 2 Peter 3:9. "The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Please Keep Them Safe Jesus
YOU ARE GOD ALONE by Craig & Dean Phillips
You are not a God dependent on any mortal man
You are not a God in need of
Anything we can give
By Your plan, that's just the way it is
[Chorus:]
You are God alone, from before time began
You were on Your throne, You are God alone.
And right now, in the good times and bad
You are on Your throne, You are God alone.
[Verse 2:]
You're the only God whose power none can contend
You're the only God whose name and
Praise will never end
You're the only God who's worthy
Of everything we can give
You are God, that's just the way it is
You are God alone, from before time began
You were on Your throne, You are God alone.
And right now, in the good times and bad
You are on Your throne, You are God alone.
Unchangeable (Unchangeable)
Unshakable (Unshakable)
Unstoppable (Unstoppable)
That's who you are (That's who you are)
Unshakable (Unshakable)
Unstoppable (Unstoppable)
That's who you are (That's who you are)
You are God alone, from before time began
You were on Your throne, You are God alone.
And right now, in the good times and bad
You are on Your throne, You are God alone.
You were on Your throne, You are God alone.
And right now, in the good times and bad
You are on Your throne, You are God alone.
Unchangeable (Unchangeable)
Unshakable (Unshakable)
Unstoppable (Unstoppable)
That's who you are (That's who you are)
Unshakable (Unshakable)
Unstoppable (Unstoppable)
That's who you are (That's who you are)
Dear God,
I am trying so hard to understand. I'm trying to bend myself to your will. I keep reminding myself that you are GOD. YOU are in control. God, please give me peace and comfort. God, please, if there is away, please let me know they are safe.
God, I also keep reminding myself that your love is undeniable, for all of your children. So God, I also pray for him. I know that a person can't change, but God, nothing is impossible with you. God, please find a way into his heart. God, make it so that no matter which way he turns, he has to come face to face with you. God, I pray for him. God, please change his heart.
God, I also pray for her. Give her strength to do what ever needs to be done to protect her and her child. God give her wisdom. God give her mercy. God give her protection. God help her remember who she is. God, open her heart so she can feel of your love and mercy. God, please just keep her safe.
God bless her son. Keep him safe. Please keep him safe. He's the one comfort she has through all of this. Give him good influences in his life so that he will be able to raise above this. God, help raise him close to Thee so that this cycle will not continue with him. God, please keep him safe.
God please give her family peace and comfort right now. God, I'm so heart broken; I can only imagine how much worse their pain is right now. Please help them pick up the pieces and move on. Help them to never loose hope that their daughter and grandson will be okay. God, please, if it is possible, please let them know she is safe. Please help them find a way to let her know how much they love her and that they will never stop loving her.
God, please keep them safe. Please, please help them come again. Come home to stay. God, I wish I could see your plan, but I will just have to trust that YOU are in control.
Please keep them safe Jesus.
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